“Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve,
everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun”
I had been raised in a Christian family and I knew theoretically what the gospel was and who Jesus was, but knowing didn’t bring me any joy or comfort. I didn’t begin to take it seriously until I started doubting myself and my own reasons for existing.
Sometime during high school, I came to the conclusion that nothing I did (or ever will do) mattered; that in the long run it would come to be meaningless. Everything is temporary and will come to pass. Just as King Solomon said in Ecclesiastes, the only way to be happy is to never deny yourself a single thing and live a hedonistic life full of pleasure and impulsive fulfilment of your own desires, but even that is not enough for the human being. I was scared of wasting my time on these meaningless things and lost the will to invest myself into something that was so fleeting, yet at the same time I didn’t know what else to do. It was like being stuck in an eternal limbo and it was terrifying.
I came to the conclusion that, without God, I have no purpose and the entire world is just as meaningless. Since then, God has surrounded me with more mature Christians who are grounded in their faith. They were just like me, with their doubts and worries; but, unlike me, they had an assurance that seemed to make everyday a joy to live. I saw that they knew what they were living for, that they had a promise that somehow lay beyond these few moments we have on earth. Even with ‘nothing’, they were secure and satisfied. I saw their quiet confidence in the way they lived out their lives, as if they didn’t have to care what others, or even they themselves, thought because they already had Jesus.
I’ve decided that I want to live like that too. I want to have this love and assurance that Jesus brings for the rest of my life.